Better Living Through…
The tough parenting times are tough, and being an American, I feel like the answer to everything is a product. Looking at some of my challenges, I bring you the list of Coulda/Shoulda Be’s.
1. Time Out Tiger - a strap that tethers to the wall and secures your child with a chest harness that’s decorated like a tiger. Safely keeps your child in the designated time-out spot, but the sweet tiger makes you feel better about strapping him to a wall.
2. Nail-B-Gone - a liquid that is applied to your child’s nails to disintegrate them to normal length. No more razor nails or screaming while you try to cut!
3. Keep’EmClean - a paste that is spread on a child’s face and hands before eating. Food clings to the paste, not your kid, so that you simply peel it off and you’re clean!
4. Potty Treat Dispenser - a unique product that dispenses treats based on what your child does in it (for lack of more graphic detail). Parents are able to program what treats go for what. When the child does his business, the treat instantly appears causing both joy for the child and positive reinforcement for “good potty” (as we say in my house).
5. PoopyChute - a pneumatic tube built into your house that takes the dirty diaper from your hand to the trash outside. No diaper pail needed.
6. GuiltBGone - a pill that Mommy takes every night that cleanses away any decisions that she’s made that she’s not fond of. Comes in short-term (a cookie for dinner, too much TV) and long-term (being a working mom, not starting potty training sooner) varieties.
7. Juice-esque - milk that looks like juice! Forget arguing about which one goes with dinner. Your child drinks his daily allowance of milk while thinking he’s getting the sweet nectar of apple juice. Nothing like trickery!
8. SleepyTime Tablets - safely sedate your child for flights with these chewable tablets. No more Stride Rites to the face while on a plane.
9. AutoCapture Camera/Audio/Video Recorder - no more searching for the film when sweet moments arrive. Strap this contraption on your back, and it automatically detects the cute/sweet/funny/need-to-have memories for your archive. It even understands when to shoot one pic and when to shoot video. It also understands when you need to be reminded that sweet moments happen (the one-hour fight over washing hands), and projects a photo in front of your face at just the right instant to stop you from throwing your child against a wall.
10. Reassure-ator - Mommy’s friend via email or Facebook that reminds her that everything’s going to be fine. Expressions such as “this too will pass” and “this is totally normal” are examples of responses. Sometimes the Reassure-ator takes the form of your friend Rebecca, your sister, your mother/stepmother, or the girl you knew in grad school who you really should have spent more time with because you’re so freaking alike. Other times, it’s just an anonymous email from Another Mom.
Can someone get on these please? Momma’s hurtin’ here! Feel free to leave any others in the comments. (Please - because this is fun!)
