I'm not saying anything. I'm just saying.

I remember far too much of this stuff - http://bit.ly/9SDfGI #childofthe80s

We All Gotta Choose

One of my friends was past due in her pregnancy, so they had to induce. She was very much looking forward to a natural childbirth and had a support system and birth plan all laid out. She posted her induction plans on Facebook, and one of her friends said, “Remember that the end result is still a beautiful child. And this will introduce you to the kind of flexibility you’re going to have to develop as a parent.”

This is very true. There are a million things that I needed to rationalize as I endeavored to keep my family in clean clothes, feed them well, keep the house picked up and basically keep them alive. I’ve become a series of contradictions. And here are some:

1. I wash our clothes in Seventh Generation detergent, but I add a scoop of OxyClean (the only thing that gets out toddler stains). That way when the OxyClean eats off a layer of skin, there’s less irritation, right?

2. I put Old El Paso powdered taco mix on 100% grass-fed beef.

3. I stir flax seeds into my full-cheese mac and cheese. This one I don’t know why.

4.  The only juice in my house is fruit-vegetable blend, but when we go out, Little Man drinks half of my Sonic cherry-limeade.

5. The only dessert that we serve is fruit. But cheese is a legitimate meal-time protein, and ketchup is a legitimate meal-time vegetable.

6. It is a given that the playroom must be picked up before bath/bed each night. But my office looks like the holding cell for tornados. I trip on something on the way to my chair.

7. I purchase all-natural toothpaste and all-natural hand soap for the Little Man’s bathroom, but every night he washes his hands in the kitchen sink using Palmolive.

8. When we moved to pull-ups, I chose Seventh Generation for the impact it will have on my environment. But I have a stash of generic Target brand on hand because I’m freaking cheap, and if he’s going to destroy a pull-up before bed, it’s going to be a crappy one.

9. When I first moved to Dallas, I was torn between the Camry and the Corolla due to gas mileage. The difference was 8 miles/gallon. Today, I’m counting down the days that I can get a Honda Pilot because of that damn third-row seat.

10. Since birth, I swore that I would never bribe my child with candy/treats. If he’s going to do something, he’s going to learn to do it because that’s what you do. But I am one more month away from making a candy trail from the playroom to the potty to get the Little Man to use it.

I’m not calling this hypocritical. I’m choosing to say, “you do what you gotta”.

You’re Not Gonna Reach My Telephone

Poor Jay from the Dallas Symphony. He called my house soliciting for a subscription purchase. He had no idea what he was in for. I grilled this poor man for twenty minutes on his job and what he learned from calling people. (Props to Amanda Ameer for giving me the idea to grill him from her earlier blog post)

Please to enjoy:

J: Denise? This is Jay from the DSO returning your call. How was Cali?

D: I called the DSO? And how did you know I was away?

J: No - I called and your husband said you were travelling. I’m seeing if you received the brochure I sent. I’ll be your guide through the season.

D: Stop Jay! For real?! If I have a question on what the Dallas Symphony is playing, I can call you?!

J: Well, no. I’m really here for talking you through the brochure to see what kind of program fits what you’re looking for. But, if you really want to talk to me about the season, I’m happy to give you my number (points for Jay!).

D: OH I see. So you walk me through what’s here and tell me what to buy? How does that work?

J: There are a bunch of packages, and I’ll help you find which one works for you.

D: So, Jay, how many people are you guiding this season?

J: About 100.

D: And how many of those do you get to purchase a subscription?

J: I’d say 30-40 (Go Jay!)

D: And from your experience, how do I rate as likely to convert?

J: You’re pretty low. You’ve never bought a ticket, only been to one show, and you’ve never given to the annual fund. (For real? I’d give to the annual fund just ‘cause?)

D: Oh - I see. And when you talk to people what do they say is the biggest issue for not subscribing?

J: I’d say it’s time and then money. And education on what they can afford - we have very affordable packages (points again, Jay, for going back to the pitch).

D: So people say that it’s time that they don’t want to commit to?

J: Yes, and sometimes artistic. But it’s really time and money.

D: Well, Jay, I thank you so much for talking with me. And so you know, I’m very unlikely to convert because I work in classical music, and I’m cheap. If I go to a show, it’s probably because I got tickets through work.

J: And I’d say, if you get tickets to the top tier, I can offer you better seats. If you’re sitting on the floor, I really can’t help you.

D: Yeah, I’m a lucky girl. But you have been a great guide for me, and I wish you all the best. You’re a good sales person.

I seriously pounced on this guy - partly because my day was sucking and I needed a distraction, and partly because I was so interested in how they were going to get me to buy.

What did I learn:

- it is time that makes people unlikely to commit. So there you go!

- it is money that makes people unlikely to commit, but they have people who will “guide” you according to your budget.

- Jay has never attended a DSO show.

I should have asked Jay to hook me up with tickets for Bugs Bunny on Broadway at the DSO. Those bunny tickets are expensive, but I do have the time to go.

The Train Has Left the Station

Let’s face it. When you become a parent, all things elimination are no longer taboo. So with that, I bring you Adventures in Potty Training.

Here are the latest techniques, and how they have actually come to fruition in our house.

1 - Have your child make a favorite stuffed animal use the potty.

This has resulted in LM taking Elmo to the bathroom, sitting him down on the toilet, and waiting while I read books to him. I’m reading to Elmo on the potty. Are you getting this?!

2 - Have your child make a favorite stuffed animal use the potty.

I bring this up twice because the unintentional happened. LM is now the one who puts Elmo on the potty and then sits on the side of the bathtub to watch him do his thing. So, I’ve effectively taught my child how to teach someone how to potty train.

3 - Discuss potty training around your child so that it’s not so scary.

This one now means that LM asks to ride the “potty train”. It leaves the station only after meals.

4 - Invite your child to come with you to the potty.

I have a very polite little boy, which is wonderful. It does mean that when I invite him to join me in the bathroom, I get, “No thank you, Mommy.” You just can’t really argue with that.

5 - Wait until your child is emotionally ready for this milestone.

Yeah, not really what I’m doing here. Three is the age that most kids are trained, and the competitive side of me will not let me be the last one there.

There’s a strategy called “potty bootcamp” where you let the kid wander around the house in the buff and do his thing when nature calls. I’m just afraid of what I’m going to do with a naked Elmo.

Of Two Minds

I’m arguing with myself. I recently went to see Caroline Goulding (thanks Rebecca) at the Dallas Symphony. I found myself on two sides of a very big fence. One - major metropolitan cities do not need symphony orchestras just ‘cause. Two - major metropolitan cities do need symphony orchestras just ‘cause.

Because I can’t decide - I’m writing two parts.

Part One - If You Don’t Have Something Nice to Say, Don’t Say Anything At All

Prior to the show, I looked at the program. I honestly was going to see Ms. Goulding. I didn’t give a crap what else they were playing. But because I was going, I really should know what is being played. Turns out it was Bach’s Orchestral Suite No. 3, Music for the Royal Fireworks, and Caroline was playing Mozart’s Violin Concerto No. 4.

Really? My crazy normal symphony is tackling music that is obviously better played by less-modern instruments or in small ensemble. There’s no way that this orchestra has anything to say about these pieces. The interpretation will be in no way groundbreaking. The hall is too large for these pieces. I can find better recordings of this all over the place. Why would I give up my evening to hear a substandard performance of really nice works?

So what should they play? Well, they are an orchestra located in Dallas with a very strong Latin population. Is there something that they could find in that vein? And it’s a very large hall with some super-cool acoustics. Maybe we look there for some oddball pieces? And we have some really strong music schools here. Perhaps some local or student composers?

If you are a major metropolitan symphony orchestra, don’t you have a duty to make your mark? Los Angeles may not be the best symphony, but they at least have something to say. The orchestra has a personality, a vision. Even New York. I’m not a huge fan of the playing all the time, but the playing is damn good. That’s kind of what they do. Even Baltimore. Marin Alsop has given a voice to that ensemble, even if it’s not always in their general programming. She’s really integrating it into the community.

If you don’t have anything to say, should you really be here at all? Why do you have this fancy hall that takes up downtown real estate? Because we’re a major US city, and we’re supposed to have this? I’m not sure that’s really a reason.

Part Two - Your Local Symphony At Work

Now let’s get to the night of the show. That’s where my attitude changes substantially.

Caroline Goulding is 17 years old. She’s this tiny little creature with a bouncy, blonde bob who is embarking on a major solo career. Because of that, the hall was filled with violin students. There were tons of parents who took their ten-year-olds to the show. And because of that, they made a cool night of it. Mommy was dressed up. Suzie had her last-year’s Easter dress on and a bow in her hair. They probably had a nice dinner and spent the car ride discussing music. What was Caroline going to sound like?* What would she wear? How much does she practice? Think I can get into Juilliard?

If we didn’t have an orchestra, that would never happen. The kids wouldn’t have the opportunity to see a live orchestral performance. They would practice their violin and listen to recordings and that’s it. They’d miss the thrill of the show. They’d probably be a little scared to enter a hall when they were old enough to make the decision themselves. So here was an opportunity for them to get a really great experience right in their hometown.

And the performance itself…well, I was right. Dallas has nothing to say about these pieces. But guess what? Really great works played just OK are still good. Who knew? I didn’t learn anything new about this, but I hadn’t heard this for awhile. No one’s life is being changed by this, but it was a nice concert. Maybe “nice” is about all I can ask for. Dallas is never going to attract the best players, but our players are quite good. And maybe that’s enough. Maybe just being here and providing this experience to our community is better than living without any orchestra.

Epilogue - My Fence

I don’t know where I stand. It’s hard for me to fork over the cash to see my orchestra when there’s nothing that they are giving me that’s unique, new or interesting. But, then again, if this didn’t exist, where would I take my son to experience this kind of music at all? If classical music lovers are always snobs, and this isn’t good enough, then aren’t we doing a disservice to our kids/neighbors by not attending at all? If our money doesn’t help the symphony stick around, then we have nothing.

Is just OK and available better than stellar and a plane ride away?

*I hesitate a bit bringing Ms. Goulding into my argument with myself. The answer to the question is that she played beautifully. It was the perfect piece for a young player to play. She had a sparkling tone and beautiful technique. She performed it a little like chamber music, with some really nice interaction with the orchestra. I really, really look forward to watching her career.

You know…for kids!

Saw this today. So, museum attendance is up, but revenue is down.

Want to know why this doesn’t surprise me? Because I have a child.

My local museum has a late night event once a month. It’s incredibly attractive to me because it means a family night out and one less day that week that I have to watch Pixar’s Cars reenacted on my living room floor.

When we go to the museum, it’s a good-sized admission. $10 for adults. Know how much they charge for my munchkin? Nothing. Nada. And he’ll be free until he’s TWELVE!

So guess what we do when we go to the museum? Think we walk through the permanent collection and discuss impressionism? Maybe leave handprints on the giant mirror sculpture (OK, we do that, but still, that’s five minutes)? Nope, we head straight to the children’s area where they have arts and crafts, a playroom for the under-three set, kiddie yoga (for real), and a bedtime storyteller. During all of this, Arturo, the slightly-offensive Latino bird mascot wanders around handing out stickers.

And the solution to pay for all of this is to let the little guys in for free?

Let’s face it. Cultural organizations have it rough right now. They certainly don’t want to look like they are gouging families by charging for their kids. But seriously, these are your core constituents. You don’t want to take advantage of that?

Want a solution? Why not look at the family as a unit? Package two adult tickets, parking and up to three kids for a “discounted” rate? Throw in a concession coupon, and you’ve already made more than you’d ever dreamed. What family goes to the concession stand and doesn’t come out $20 in the hole?

Let me tell you, we want reasons to come to your cultural organization. We are all looking for ways to enrich the lives of our offspring and get them the hell out of the house. We don’t want to spend a ton of money, but we’ll happily spend money on what we think is worth it. So go ahead and charge me for my little guy. If it means that we’ll be printing our hands on the mirror sculpture for years to come, we’re all in.

Streaming Hoosiers

Background: After undergrad, I convinced Indiana University that they should accept me into their performance masters program. I started graduate school there in flute performance and was soon miserable.

I also took a job in the ticket office at their performing arts center. This is the building where they stage their full-scale operas and their huge ballet productions (did I mention this was a college? It’s amazing). After spending a year watching performing arts administration/management/ticketing/production, I knew that I had much more to give that world than the concert stage. I moved on to do a masters in arts administration. It is a decision that I have never regretted, and I credit IU with having the first-class facilities and performances to lead me to that end.

This morning I saw a note about Indiana’s on-demand streaming of their operas and ballets. You can see it here. I absolutely love this for a number of reasons:

1) Working in the classical music realm, it makes me angry when professional ensembles make a ton of content free. Where’s your value when you can get everything free? Didn’t your mama tell you about buying the cow and getting the milk for free thing? I appreciate those organizations that see a real worth beyond “promotional value” and limit what I can see gratis.

That being said, this is not a professional organization. These are students. These are AMAZING students, but they are students. Making the performances free isn’t going to cut into their ticketing revenue or lower the demand for their performances. Ain’t no one going to Bloomington just to hear someone sing, I don’t care who’s singing!

2) What perfect experience for today’s performing arts students! So you’re telling them that not only do they have to sing well, not only do they have to act well, not only do they have to engage the physical audience, but they have to engage a viewing audience. That’s got to be a difficult skill to learn, but it’s one that they will need to have when they get off the stage at the MAC and onto the Met Opera stage. Because these people will.

3) You can view these around the world, right? What’s stopping an artist manager in Europe or an opera company in California or a ballet company in Japan from watching this and recruiting? No, this isn’t college football, but it can be. I don’t book, but wouldn’t you rather cast based on their performance in on a full-scale production with costumes, a full orchestra, sets and a live audience? Seems that it would give you a much better glimpse at who’s a well-rounded performer.

4) It’s difficult to get people into a concert hall. But if they know someone in the production (a la Marin Alsop’s Rusty Musician program), they are more likely to attend, or, in this case, tune in. These are students who have toiled their short lives to get this far. Their family and friends are so excited to see them - and now they can. Once they see an opera production or the ballet, maybe they will enjoy it enough to take a chance on a show where they don’t know someone. In their hometown. Where there’s a ticket to be purchased. Just maybe, but still.

5) OK, and then let’s get to the coolest thing for me, opera ADD girl. I can fast-forward. I love opera, I do, trust me I do. I think that opera is a theatrical art that needs to be experienced on the stage to really enjoy it. That doesn’t mean that I always enjoy sitting four hours somewhere to see it. I like that I can move through the show and watch just the arias.

I’m awfully proud of my alma mater (MA 2000). They just successfully married a first-rate educational experience with global entertainment with a fantastic development/sponsorship tool. They just gained another viewer in me, and - it might happen, kids - they may finally get that money for the alumni fund they keep calling about.

I’m Not Saying Anything, I’m Just Marketing

Facebook ads gave me this zinger as a served ad yesterday.

“Old Spice is not saying this body wash will make your man smell into a romantic millionaire jet fighter pilot, but we are insinuating it.”

Brilliant! The ad was accompanied by a picture of a buff man getting out of the shower. And for that, we thank you.

Imagine how crazy I could get with this! Legal implications be damned.

For parents: We’re not saying classical music will make your baby smarter, but we are insinuating it.

For singles: We’re not saying that you’ll meet your mate at the next Mahler concert, but we’re insinuating it.

For busy professionals: We’re not saying that you’ll be relaxed after this three-hour event, but we’re insinuating it.

For indie rock lovers: We’re not saying that Thom Yorke got his inspiration from what we’re playing, but we’re insinuating it.

For sports enthusiasts: We’re not saying that there are cheerleaders at our concert, but we’re insinuating it.

For foodies: We’re not saying that there’s a good restaurant in here that will be worth your while, but we’re insinuating it.

For some organizations: We’re not saying that we’re one of the best ensembles in the country, but we’re insinuating it.

I need more! If I could ever figure out if I can take comments, I’d say post them here. But because I’m slow that way, just send them to this long address: info@imnotsayinganythingimjustsaying.com. I’m not saying that I’ll write back with pithy replies, but I’m insinuating it.

Want your emails/posts/etc. read? Perhaps try this - http://www.shadyurl.com #madeyoulook